and time went on...

Wow, time has gone on. The New Year has become mid-year with Autumn fast approaching.

Greatest job in the world

This morning I read an article about Australia's Department of Tourism searching for a candidate to fill the job of the countries 'blogger'. The duties of this job are to live in a multi million dollar home on the beach; to daily walk the white sand; enjoy the island and blog almost daily so the rest of the world can hear how wonderful Australia is.

My immediate realization was that I don't snorkel or climb mountains, which probably is required...I'm too old; too out of shape; too not quite good enough.

I was surprised by those thoughts, not because they were new to me, but because I had just been studying Psalms 126 and been praying about those very things: the fear that the best is over. I'm used up, with nothing to offer God's Body anymore. I've been told NO perhaps one time too many. I can see that I don't step forward anymore with an excited response, saying, Yes, I would love to serve in that way.

Is this 'normal' for a 51 year old woman? I have never wanted to be 'normal'...but somewhere along the way of life, I've stepped back and attended to what was/is most important--the education and life of my children. That has filled up every year, every month, week, day, hour...second! It has been the greatest job in the world. It IS the greatest job in the world, but so much more. It has been and is my life.

So, as my son is grown and married, and my daughter is racing toward being 17 (as she reminds me very often), I have began to wonder what would be next, and that is where I wonder...and wander.

I remember reading in a friend's blog about the need to take time to nourish our marriages and adult relationships all the while raising our kids, and I think that goes for nourishing ourselves too. It's so easy to give and become the mom and educator and trainer and so forth...and not pay attention to the little pieces of ourselves that actually make up the 'who' of us.

Selfish thoughts? I don't know. I wonder if they are.

I suppose the question that stumps me, that always has caused me to hesitate, is why...?

Maybe there is some emotional or mental block in me that does not allow me to spend too much time on the why questions. Perhaps deep inside I know that if I looked too closely I'd just crumble and stay put wherever I was. I don't know, I don't see that there is any deep wisdom in me to know something that 'grand', but I know I never ponder on the whys of life.

The last few days that has been crossing my mind more often though. Why has so much harm been done to the vulnerable, defenseless children growing in the womb...how can it be that this can happen? Why...how do families keep going on?

This morning, in Psalm 125 the writer says something like this: Those with evil intentions will not always have the upper hand or power over the righteous. If that were true, those (right, good, innocent ones) might one day give up in defeat and join the evil ones.

Studies point out that babies born under the influence (of drugs/alcohol) often make choices to abuse drugs later in their life. I wonder if that is what the above verse could (also) mean? How many times does a young woman have to be pointed at, ignored, used...before she just decides to numb the pain and join the one crowd that may accept her...if even for only a drinking buddy or...body?

I can hardly stand these thoughts. My mind spirals down a path that is too painful to stay in. So, I stop and turn to the only solid thing I know with 100% confidence, God.

When I trust You, consistently, LORD, You set me as solid as Mt. Zion, eternally secure in You.

As the mountains surround Jerusalem, You surround Your children (especially those defenseless, vulnerable ones), now and forever.

Those with evil intentions will not always have the upper hand or power over the righteous. If that were true, those righteous might one day give up in defeat and join the evil ones.

LORD, be good to those who trust You. Send the evil ones out of Your sight, along with those who are crooked and have turned away from You.

In MY prosperity...

The Psalms are so...honest!

Today I was once again delighted as I studied. God is not afraid to let us see how human even the man after God's own heart was.

In Psalm 30 David confesses what happened: When I was secure, I said I will never be shaken!!

The past three years I have seen first hand all that I thought was secure in my 'economy' fall by the way side, but, I have also seen first hand that not one of the things that hit me altered God's position and sovereignty. He is STILL God; Faithful in all things. God's favor and His person are NOT synonymous.

I pray this is my life's song: Those who trust the LORD are like Mount Zion, which sits unmoved forever. (Psalm 125, NCV)

51 mile posts

What a thing to celebrate! Fifty-one anniversaries of the moment in time the God of all eternity picked for one little girl to be born.

There are so many things to remember, and so many things to be thankful for. Oh, today above all days of the year, I am reminded If not for God...

Fifty-one years have given me time to grow up (OK, grow up a bit!) and I feel settled. Life is good.

My husband gave me a wonderful coffee machine that brews creme coffee. If you've not tasted that, you have not really experienced coffee...and, today, in celebration of my birth, I'm going to delight in it all day!!

If not for God

Yesterday and today my bible study was in Psalms 124, and it has brought a rush to my heart!

I love to see the Psalmist going on and on (and on) about how he would have been swept under the flood if not for the Lord!! Man, I feel hope infused into my heart. I mean, if someone as wise as a Bible writer (not author, I know!!) has a past makes him see that, then there can be some hope for me.

Yes, yesterday's failure is still eating at me a bit...but I did begin the day with coffee and not even for a second think I should try the coffee fast again. But, anyway...

I've been thinking about these Songs I've been studying, and have realized that those people--God's chosen ones--were not so different than me. They started and stumbled and started and stumbled...and it was always because God was for them, as Psalms 124 wails out, that they didn't get caught in the hunter's net.

Just like me. The question I have to think over is, can I really accept, deep in the back corner of my heart, that God is really FOR ME?

I know that part of my thinking is that He sort of is obligated to me; that He probably wishes He would have picked a stronger woman to be the mom of my dear daughter. My inadequacies in raising such a wonderful young woman living with special differences sometimes seems like a tidal wave.

So, I guess I can sing that Psalm with a very loud, off key voice...If not for God.

fasting and failure

Today I began with the sincere intention of skipping coffee as part of a new year's Daniel fast.

I had spent time thinking about it and praying about it, not wanting to lightly make the decision and then just a easily say OK forget it. I had put time and thought AND prayer into it... so, here I am, surprised that already, by 11:00 a.m. I've already given in and decided I was foolish to make such a decision.

Am I just incredibly weak or incredibly too much like many others who resolved to do or not do something, for very good reasons, and then crumble?

Drinking coffee is not sinful. Why I thought my 'act' would be good or worthwhile was that we are instructed to fast at times. I believed this was a good time. Not that I was going to do anything noble or earn extra credit with God! But, I had began to believe what the Word tells us about fasting, and that there is something to be learned through the act.

I had began to think about how I participate in small ways to trip me up, or set me up to fail. I believe this is an area God is wanting me to look at, to help me be more aware, and, with His guidance, to be better able to make wiser decisions.

It is now easy for me to look at myself and say see, you knew you couldn't/wouldn't do it and feel shamed. But, in light of what I know to be true from God's Word, that isn't an option. God is still on the throne and He is (still) not one bit surprised by what I do or do not do.

There is still merit in fasting...afterall, it is scriptural. But, even in this, my failure, there is a lot to learn, and I will, this time, choose to turn to God and learn.

Today I am going to Psalms to read and even try my hand at uttering a bit of a song of my own, to God, using the 120th chapter as my inspiration (and, of course, my morning failure).

In my pain and confusion I cried out to the Faithful I AM, and He heard me and answered me!
LORD, keep me from the affects of lies and deception, and keep me from participation in even a shade of deceit.

What will I find when I face You if I do walk in deception, and, oh, what sadness others face as they continue to sew lies? ~~A sharp arrow aimed right to the heart.

Oh, my misery and regret is that I've stayed in the place of pretending and not had confidence in You for too long. ~~I have lived too long worried about peacemaking with those who don't care about such things!

I am for peace, but they only want to be right.